1905 Reporter: Election To Wreak Salvation of Journal-ism"/> 1905 Reporter: Election To Wreak Salvation of Journal-ism" />

1905 Reporter: Election To Wreak Salvation of Journal-ism


News-Papers Must Support
Wealthy G.O.P. Gentle-Man
Ridiculed For His Comb Of Hair

News-paper men, and ladies in the Trade, reporting on the ongoing in-state contests to choose the candidates for the U.S. Presidency, are displaying hostile aversion to one of the gentle-men of the Republican Party. They strongly fear this gentle-man, known for the constructing of conglomerate dwellings and appearances on the tele-vision, will now irrevocably win the nomination and lay destruction to Lincoln’s Party, and—should he prevail in the Presidential election—destroy any well-being of the United States.

While this gentle-man’s name is written daily in this broadsheet, my reckoning of the shoe leather sentiment held by the finger pecking ranks in this foul smelling office, usually cloaked well under-neath their inked stories, was deemed invective and I was requested to “not go there,” which our night broom man informed does not reference any existing place a man could go.

However, I can confirm my cohorts do not like him because of:

1. How he combs his hairs on his allegedly balding head, which inspires mocking from even utterly bald men;

2. His baronish wealth, as if they recall a pauper being installed in the Executive Mansion to sign orders of federal importance straight away;

3. His assumed loathing of pigmented laborers and refu-gies in these United States;

4. His not acting in any capacity in the federal or state government in any of the time he has been living;

5. His speaking like a Bowery man with a tack in his foot;

6. His omittance from his pugnacious rhetoric explanations of the machinations he will employ to realize outcomes he says he will produce;

7. Comely women he has married that were born in the lessly appreciated eastern areas of the Continent, perceived as rife with Gyp-sies;

8. His resilient popularity with a gullible sect of citizens, or their unexpected potency to shoulder-chair a vaude-ville barker to the sill of the Executive Mansion, it is unclear which;

9. His effortless vanquishing of more tritely “conventional” rivals in Lincoln’s Party whom might be kissed on the mouth by nine-tee percent of the Washington Electorate should they return to the squall;

10. Some influencing authority this man, if elected as President, would possess in loosing a rumored “super weapon” reliant on atomic chemistry that can be flung by a number of nations on this earth. As with all super weapons, it is said it can alter the plodding trajectory of Mankind.

Yet Cleveland’s Party
Not Good Enough Either

At this time, when living News-papers are down to a small handful of financially embarrassed entities, one would think people in the Press Trade would be forcefully accepting of the oldest principle task they possess in regard the Beat of politicking. That is choosing whom to vilify and exalt with language that sprints to the doorsill of untruth. But they confound this.

Many news-paper men and ladies in this Trade also display anemic favor for the two individuals vying for the nomination of Cleveland’s Party. For instance, a lady seeking the Democratic nomination is held in suspicion for her access to great wealth, and her changing comportment in the prolonged sorting of accusations handed her for many misdeeds.

Samely, her opponent is suspicioned because he is elderly, and further too indulgent in animations caricatured to elderly men of Jewry blood at least since Boss Tweed lifted his arms for bearded garment sellers, and his advocation for Socialism, of which not a single Reporter or Editor at this broadsheet appears to grasp either at the most simplistic Millian level nor its extremity torturations in the earth’s decades after my unfinal death.

Whom May Most Swiftly
Render U.S. Nation A
Despotic H – – l Hole ?

This reporter will re-affirm that he has been resurrected and asked to identify what is good for the News-paper profession. One should not ask such tunneled questions of happily dead News-paper men if one fears one will take issue with his response. To this:

It is my advice that the apprehension my over-perfumed cohorts are displaying for imagined outcomes given the gentle-men and lady seeking entry to the Presidential election of 2016 should be set aside.

Then, all urgency should be applied to answering this question as clearly as can be done: Which of these persons, if elected, may most swiftly cause our nation to descend into a despotic H – – l hole?

When that man or lady is ascertained as surely as each intellect can determine, and it appears a throng will swear this has already been determined, peoples in the Press Trade must join up and swiftly do one thing: Strenuously support that person with all of the argumentative athleticism and ink they can vomit forth until a nomination for this person, and election to the Presidency, is secured.

This is of the utmost importance.

The essentiality of News-paper men, and ladies in the Press Trade, is never greater than when the peoples of the United States find themselves in evisceration by crisis.

The snowballing deaths of News-papers throughout the world, and ever nearer foundering of the pursuit that has come to be termed “journal-ism” for which I was specifically resurrected to address, may be looking at its temporary transfusion of life, if not—considering those worst prognostications of what could follow the election of the gentle-man of the Republican Party firstly mentioned, or the victorious nomination of the yet more defeat-able Democratic Party opponent, which is prognostication of another degree—civic turmoil lasting an indefinite period.

All peoples still working in the Press Trade must pull together to bring this about. At least if they don’t soon wish to be selling insurance to annoyed relatives like multitudes of their former brethren.

Experience in Politicking
Or Civic Governing :
Bad Bellwether For Press

To answer the News-paper men and ladies in the Trade critical of the Republican gentle-man who worry that his full lack of governance and politicking experience could threaten the continued existence of these United States, and therefore render moot a lift to our Profession: Utter absence of experiential necessities among men installed to the Presidency has been endured before, without our nation succumbing to invasion and conquerance by a foreign aggressor.

By one example, U.S. Grant won a Presidential election four years after doing nothing of federal relevance, nor of use to even the most humble municipality, but for moving a section of brave men forward instead of sideways, like a real fighting military cock was thought supposed to do. This was done, as none will recall now, because the ‘blockade and starve’ strategy that the distressingly able Gen. R.E. Lee feared more than any other stratagem had already been proven to require the acumen and patience of men at least as able in prosecuting war as he, of which our Union evidentially had not one.

In a stroke of serendipity or fated will, the breathtaking corruption that cancered Grant’s Presidency occurred right when a certain young buck was getting bit by the News-hound Bug. And that nightmarish depravity we called the 1877 election did sink it home.

My gratitude to this situation, as a News-man, is incalculable.

Sadly, I have learned that the eighteen seventees through eighteen ninetees are now regarded as a sickness inducingly incompetent period of American politicking, with financial upheaval and monopolistic abuses that ballooned forth many decades hence. This vitriol pains me, not only for its generalizations and evidential later examination often with singular criticism on the excoriating injustices escalated against the more vulnerable races, but—selfishly I concede—because it was a succinctly good time to be a News-paper man. An optimal time, in relative balance. The work was ceaseless, the livelihood more than survivable, often even vigorous. Thus, I encourage my cohorts to fear not a deficit of politicking training in any Presidential candidate, at minimum from the despairing outlook of our deplorably weakened vocation.

Once Again :
The Earth’s Continuance
Should Not Be Sacrificed
And Will Probably Not Be

In close, as my column inches are now at thimble, I will relay that it should be of reassurance for any present day Press cohorts who harbor some preternatural distaste for the G.O.P., of any odd origin, that one must learn or recall that Lincoln’s Party, which now also seems to be argued to resemble not one whit the Party Lincoln knew, has won at least four more Presidential elections than the Democratic Party can rightly claim as victories, an upper hand that has continued well after Roosevelt penikicked (or schl – – ged, if one must) Parker in 1904. This is according to the Farmer’s Almanac remnant I found in the poor quality cabinetry astride the auto-matic soda jerk machine in the postal room.

Despite or due to this, these United States persist in remaining a nation of far greater than average influence in the globe, it is evidenced, with populations that may be unhappy in pocketed scralls but are probably not roundly ravaged by the worst ills this earth can inflict on beast and mortal. My most minimum observances testify that a steamer full of my long-dead comrades would regard many aspects of this current future with delight. Foremost a wireless that plays flickers, and corn cookers that lack fire, and foldable glass. But they are now also clearly beholding from behind their veil perhaps the last, best opportunity our News-paper men and ladies in the Trade today have to re-invigorate the necessity of the Press.

It rests in that gentle-man you now regard with a fear that is eclipsing scorn and a new, most beguiled, fat-eyed awe.

– 30 –

1905 Reporter was brought back to life by an unnamed newspaper to save print journalism from extinction. ©1905Reporter

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