Pope Francis arrives at the Tacloban Airport in the Philippines on January 17, 2015. Image: Wikimedia Commons
I like Pope Francis. It’s hard not to like him. He’s folksy. He goes crowd wading while his security staffers piss themselves. He’s got a smile that’s both kind and a little devilish. I’d like to have a beer with him, to cite the ultimate good-human test.
The breathtakingly stupid mom-slur analogy he made on January 15, during the press session on a plane heading to the Philippines, even underscores why I like him. (Translations vary mildly, but he took a shadow jab at some hapless papal stooge and said something close to, “If my good friend Dr. Gasbarri says a curse word against my mother, a punch awaits him. It’s normal. It’s normal. You cannot provoke. You cannot insult the faith of others. You cannot make fun of the faith of others.”)
The early backlash to the “je suis Charlie” phrase began hardly a day after the eight Charlie Hebdo editors and illustrators (plus four additional people) were murdered by terrorists in Paris on January 7. Several contrarians painted it as a hypocritical, beer-muscled line mostly being parroted by people who would never display the reckless courage of the Charlie Hebdo staff, don’t have a clue about the newspaper’s editorial point of view and likely wouldn’t be nearly as broken up about the identical slaughter of people who, say, were gunned down for drawing caricatures of Jews or blacks. Or maybe Americans.
Of course, “je suis Charlie” is just the latest iteration of the “I am” rallying meme that starts going around after a bloody event. For example, “I am Trayvon Martin,” “I am a Jew,” “I’m Michael Brown,” etc. By now, some people have closets with nasty identity disorders. I get that the broadly intended meaning of this Swiss Army slogan is “I’m united with the persecuted party” or “when you hurt them, you hurt me.” But I’m pretty tired of hearing it from people who are in no way similar to the entity they are supposedly boldly supporting.
“Ask Madam Genius”
I have seven coins in my pocket and they add up to $1.65. One of them is not a nickel and one is not a dime. What is the face value of each of the coins?
—Ted Spencer, Rockville, Maryland
Your trousers are gilded with one silver dollar, one Barber half and five three-cent pieces.
Marilyn Vos Savant is currently on vacation.
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1905 Reporter was brought back to life by an unnamed newspaper to save print journalism from extinction. Email him at email@example.com. ©1905Reporter
Image: Wikimedia Commons
How old were you when the Orson Welles War of the Worlds radio broadcast was aired?
“I was little. If it was on Halloween in 1938, then I was four years old. I was little but I have some vivid memories from that night. We were in my grandparents’ farmhouse in Ferrell, New Jersey, and my grandmother and grandfather were listening to the radio as usual. Their names were Mary and George. They were my father’s parents. All of a sudden there was a lot of confusion in the house and the next thing I know we were down in the cellar. But it wasn’t a normal cellar, it was just a dug-out hole. It was all dirt. Not just the floor, everything was dirt. I don’t know what it was used for. I had never been down there before. I left that house in the fourth grade and I never went down there again. The house is still there.
Your Horo-Scope Fortune
January 20 – February 19
You’ll encounter another unusual request. Such as being asked to jot fortune-telling lines akin to those on cards dispensed by a scale in Piggly Wiggly.
February 19 – March 20
Try bathing but once every three days to perhaps stop stenching of perfumed agents that offend the nose and eye.
March 21 – April 19
Endeavor to reduce. If you must remain corpulent, dress as a dignified stout person would.
April 20 – May 20
Stop walking about in your night clothes.
May 21 – June 20
Be certain that you are not wagering much of your pecuniary existence on a small portion of your trade that can absconded by a few university cock o’ the walks. Or one fellow named Craig.
June 21 – July 22
Your confidence in your water is frightful. Have processed ale on the offer at every meal for those who do not share it.
July 23 – August 22
You overuse the zipper. The contrivance must not replace buttons or latches or laces on every single thing that can transmute a seam. Carry no more than one about you at any given time.
August 23 – September 22
Request “leave” or “holiday” or “days of absence” from your employer. Asking for “personal time” sounds as if you are bedeviled by some distasteful matter of hygiene.
September 23 – October 22
Carry a pocketknife. Engaging in a battle of might with every third carton you touch insults our species.
October 23 – November 21
If you are a man, do not embrace another non-blood man as a greeting unless that person has just saved the life of someone dear to you.
November 22 – December 21
Do something about “convenience stores” without toothpicks.
December 22 – January 19
Do not become angry at a curious soul who disassembles your ringing device.
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1905 Reporter was brought back to life by an unnamed newspaper to save print journalism from extinction. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. ©1905ReporterTags: 1905 Reporter
I am in receipt of yours dated October tenth. You have requested to keep anonymity and have asked us to not publish your very neatly typed letter. We will comply with your wishes.
I’ve been tasked with answering your question for this broadsheet’s advice column, which was a punitive duty reserved for the indolent or slipshod when newspapers were prosperous. I will give you my answer frankly.
Your little nephew having “two daddies” is a happy circumstance. His mother would be most relieved to know he is being cared after, if the dear woman is still able to receive such news. And as you are evidently unable to lend daily maternal assistance to his life, it is a good thing that some one can aid in the countless necessities that a boy’s rearing will require. They are not trifles.
Additionally, you might contemplate that having two fathers will, it can be surmised, guide your nephew to grow more surely into an able horseman, a popular sportsman, and a fleet-fisted fighter. These are things many unhardy boys never become.
Finally, it’s considerably more accepted to see openly admitted homosexuals raise children today so the teasing you fear he’ll encounter may be much less than predicted.
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1905 Reporter was brought back to life by an unnamed newspaper to save print journalism from extinction. Email him at email@example.com. ©1905Reporter
Tags: 1905 Reporter
Image: Wikimedia Commons
What is wolf stew?
“It’s a hamburger dish we ate when money was tight. We had it about once a week when I was a kid, in the 1940s. Beef was a treat during the war. We had more pork, because we lived on a farm and we had pigs, but we didn’t have beef too often. Wolf stew could feed a whole family with a few potatoes and one pound of hamburger. My grandmother made it. Everyone in the family called it wolf stew. When I asked my dad why we called it that, he told me that during the Depression they were very poor, there was no money, no food, and they heard a noise at the door. It was a wolf. So they shot the wolf and they had wolf stew. I believed him. I was a young kid. We all believed it. Everything was rationed during the war; you couldn’t get meat, so we believed it was wolf. We thought that where they stored the meat, the pork, they just went there and got wolf. When I got married in the 1950s, I started making it for my kids and they called it wolf stew. We had it about once a week. It’s always been one of my favorite dinners.”
How do you make it?
“You just get three or four onions, cut them up, and fry them in a little oil in a large pan on medium heat until they’re golden. Then add a pound of hamburger into the pan, all crumbled up. Cook the meat thoroughly while stirring. After the meat is cooked through, stir in two cups of water, and add salt and pepper to taste. Keep stirring on medium heat until it’s all well blended and you have a nice gravy. Then mix about a tablespoon of flour in a half cup of water and add it to the stew to thicken it. Let it simmer about ten minutes or until it’s as thick as you like it. Serve it with mashed potatoes.”
— Joan Geraci, age 80, Bellmawr, New Jersey
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Preparations for All Hallow’s Eve are said to be seeing discord among persons who judge the anticipated course of some revel-ers to adopt the costume of a man in rubber sheeting from head to knee, anchored in ducking waders, as ill-considered. It is thought that this costume seeks to represent a man of medicine or science who tends to patients gravely sickened by a feared contagious disease that is now on the loose in the United States.
The death and misery wrought by the particular infectious affliction, which has traveled from its quarantine on the African continent, is the reason for the offense. The complaining citizens insist such a costume will mock carnage and despair. Persons familiar with Autumn Halloween traditions will note that innumerable varieties of disguises are used for parlor get-togethers and society balls to effect a grotesque or whimsical appearance, with liberality generally unquestioned. Therefore rumors of discomfort among some quarter is alleged to be news-worthy and fit to serve as a “break-in story” for a newspaper man who stiffened spines in Tammany Hall. Read MoreTags: 1905 Reporter
Thanks for being a pro athlete that might not kill my 10-year old son
By Pete Miller, West Orange, NJ
Emotions are exploding inside of me as your immortal run in Yankee pinstripes comes to an end. They’re making me realize exactly what you’ve meant to me for the better part of 20 years. To me, you weren’t just The Captain. You weren’t just a “class act.” You were a hero. The kind of hero I and legions of other fans will probably never see again.
You are a multimillionaire professional athlete that I would actually consider letting my 10-year-old son be alone with for maybe 30 seconds or so.
I bet you don’t realize how rare that is. Read MoreNo tags for this post.
Every few years, media attention cycles back to parents accidentally leaving their children in hot cars to die. This pediatric version of Shark Week surfaces each summer in hot states like Arizona, Florida and Texas, but it’s clinging to the spotlight with a vengeance this year.
The current go-around started in mid-June after a Georgia man let his 22-month-old son die of heat stroke in a closed car amid suspicious behavior, like sexting six women as his child lay dying. It made his “forgetting” stink of murder.
So we had yet another mystery involving a dead child.1
I’m badgering an 88-year-old man to remember a few minutes that happened 70 years ago. The memory is, arguably, of historical importance. And he’ll likely be gone relatively soon, to put it bluntly. It’s the reality that gives every word he says gravity. So maybe my questions carry the gentle authority of seeking details for posterity, for the historical record. As if the record needed it.
So at 6:50 pm on June 4, 2014, in a hotel lounge in the small town of Bayeux, France, a twenty-minute drive from where he landed on Omaha Beach on the morning of June 6, 1944, I make an 88-year-old man uncomfortable.
The man’s name is Ernie Corvese. He’s a retired newspaper photoengraver from Providence, Rhode Island. He’s traveled to Normandy with his wife of 62 years, Dolores, for the 70th anniversary of D-Day. As one of the ever-fewer surviving veterans still able to talk about his war experience, Corvese has been interviewed several times in the last few years, telling and retelling the story of his glimpse of hell during that rainy day back in ‘44.
I recently had the opportunity to see Hitchcock’s Lifeboat on the big screen again.
The 1944 film follows nine people in a small boat in the north Atlantic after their Allied ship is torpedoed by a German submarine during World War II. The British and American survivors have all the diversity convenient to brew conflict and unlikely alliances—they span from a bejeweled woman to crewmen to a business tycoon. But the presence of the German U-boat commander, rescued from the sea after his sub is destroyed, creates the central tension in the film.
I’ve seen Lifeboat perhaps four times, but only twice in a theater.1 A lot has been written about it, as with any Hitchcock film, though much justifiably centers on Tallulah Bankhead not wearing underwear on the set.2 You’ll also find mentions of John Steinbeck’s anger over the dumbing down of his black character3 and a few musings on the damaging controversy that gutted the film’s box office performance. Regarding the latter, several critics and other influential voices in ’44 felt that the German U-boat captain (Walter Slezak) was portrayed as too competent, too gentle-faced and too appealing in every regard to represent a hated enemy.4 This reportedly spurred Twentieth Century Fox to cut promotion efforts and the $1.5 million film did poorly in theaters.
“She wasn’t quirky. She was crazy.”
This was my friend’s assessment of a woman I had met on OKCupid. She had ended our pleasant test drive after two months when I showed ambivalence about naked time, which sometimes happens when I realize I’m not in it for the long haul but still enjoy the dinner conversation. Sort of like an actor in a play that’s closing. Even if the backstage mood sucks, you might still like getting dressed and going on.
My friend’s comment wasn’t empty. She was psychologically troubled. It didn’t take a medical degree to see that. Bits of her past trickled out in the first two weeks and then dropped in large chunks. An abusive parent, pill addiction, years of crippling depression, weight swings, promiscuous eras. On “medication.” The drugs were heavy-duty mood stabilizers, not like the ones in the commercial with the frowny ball. Ads for these pills could use Amanda Bynes.
I don’t want cancer. Unless that’s going to be in the cards soon anyway. I want my body to stop irritating me with a series of annoyances that cause me to see some doctor, take pills, bitch and lose productive time.
A variety of bizarre, premature shit has cropped up solely to piss me off in the last few years. Arrhythmia. A temporarily half-paralyzed face. A Dupuytren’s whatever-the-frig in my left hand. Gout. Pneumonia.
Pneumonia. The old man’s friend. I’m not yet 45.
Meanwhile I’m healthy. “Healthy.” When people say “Thank God for good health,” they specifically mean me. No brain tumor. No lung cancer. No lupus. No diabetes. No Lyme disease. No Lou Gehrig’s disease. No artificial limbs. Nothing that qualifies me as bad off in the slightest.
Everyone knows this.
Most suburban areas are famously unwalkable. You can’t perform any errands on foot. Maybe the odd errand to a nearby spot, but that’s it. Biking isn’t a reliable answer either. Your destinations are just too far away and far apart.
This is the definition of the suburbs. Your bank is two miles away. The dry cleaners is three miles in the other direction. The supermarket may be in the same strip mall as the cleaners, but how will you get the groceries home? The frozen food will melt.
Wrenching the old payphone off the wall should have been harder. A man who’d been pouring beer ten feet away for better than twenty years muscled a pry bar between a cinder block and the black metal box, and the relic heaved forward with a crunching groan, its broken attachments hanging like mangled arms. Two grey cords strained from the wall, like some last-ditch plea to let the phone stay where it’s been for, God, longer than anyone can remember. The bar opened in 1945. “Sometime after that” often ended discussions about the origins of things.
I was in the carcass of The Back Fence, a saloon on Bleecker Street in the Village. It was the afternoon of Sunday, September 29, 2013, a few days after it poured its last official beer given an ill-timed tangle with the city’s department of health. The bar had long been set to close on September 30, but the health-department troubles spurred the owner to go dark early. Perhaps most hurtfully to long-time regulars and employees, it meant canceling the goodbye shindig planned for the final weekend.
TIME TRAVELER 3182,
POST-CANCELED TRIP REC 719
12:15-12:40 PM CST
SITE DESC: TABLE IN FACTORY BREAK ROOM
PAGE 1 OF 4
I go back Tuesday. I needed the break. All I do is work on my thesis. It’s like a massive term paper that you have to defend against the Supreme Court. No thanks I don’t smoke go ahead.
I’m doing my thesis on something called Facebook. Face book. It’s a seminal social media . . . [UNINTELLIGIBLE] . . . [UNINTELLIGIBLE] . . . average people. You know that bulletin board outside your boss’s office? The one crammed with a thousand pieces of paper, the bowling league rankings, those fishing trip photos . . . Facebook is a bulletin board like that but it covers the entire planet.
He never really cottoned to the telephone.
At least from his sixties onward, he regarded a ringing phone to be a minor emergency. Like a Western Union man banging on the front door with a telegram. The telephone was an expensive communication device to be used sparingly, if at all, and it posed several technical hurdles that were marks of a contraption not quite perfected.
One was dialing. This act required opening a book, adjusting eyeglasses, concentrating intensely to place a finger in the correct hole in the delicate rotary thingy and applying just the right clockwise force to make the desired number register.
Naturally, being up in years increased his difficulties with gadgetry. But I never took his pained approach to using the phone as a late-life issue. I tend to think he always viewed the telephone as something between a technical nuisance and a clanging miracle box. Hell, when he was a kid, you still had to turn a little crank to get some telephones to work. He told me that. The nickel the only handy phone required? That was a slice of pie. Dropped calls pissed you off.
There are several reasons. First, the whole genre of “old-time radio” is alien to most people under 75. The big-network sitcoms, dramas, cop shows, horror and thriller series, westerns, variety programs and so forth that defined America’s home entertainment in the 1930s and 1940s were all effectively dead by the mid 1950s (the period known as the “golden age of TV,” not coincidentally).
This means that a person born after, say, 1936 will typically react with a squinty-eyed gaseous expression when you mention old radio shows. As if I Love Lucy1 isn’t back far enough and you’re trying to out-old them.
Secondly, a lot of people consider the idea of listening to a recording of a play featuring long-dead actors—people even their parents would not remember—to fall, on the entertainment scale, somewhere below knitting in prison.
At least knitting has a point. Tell someone you basically like to switch on TCM and then stare at a wall, and you’re asking for judgment.
When I was writing a book eight years ago, I engaged in a temporary mode of living that was hyper focused and backwoods boring. I would rise every day at about 5:30 am, work in a determined fashion until noon, eat, exercise, see an old movie at a nearby theater or meet a friend, eat, and then be in bed by 8:45 pm. I’d listen to an old radio story while I read a blog or two, then fall asleep by 9:30 pm.
At about two am, I’d wake up. Or rather, I’d open my eyes and find myself in a state that felt a lot like wakefulness, but not quite. I’d have a highly sensitive perception of the dark room I was in, but no sharp awareness that I was no longer asleep. It was an odd, placid form of being awake; more aware but less alert. There was no tug of tiredness trying to pull me back under, nor any restless notion to get up or turn on a light. It was a ripe sentience that allowed clear but limited thought and wanted stillness.
I was experiencing segmented sleep, something that was as normal as defecating outside up until about 150 years ago. It’s as close to Lincoln as I’ll get. (Segmented sleep, I mean.) Evolution probably created it so we could listen for predators, count the younglings and tend to a dying fire. Internet porn is a more recent use.
These words sat atop my Netflix homepage for weeks and could not be removed. The movie suggestions below were not helpful; think of movies like The Human Centipede that you’ve never heard of. When the film came out in 2010 and caused a mild ruckus, it played at the IFC theater in New York. I meant to see it there but never did. Years later, after I ventured a private viewing via Netflix, I was reminded of it every time I launched the damned website.
I envisioned the doorman in my building, Mike, standing in my apartment with a cop while covering his nose and clicking though my laptop. “I don’t know what he died of, but I can tell you what he liked to watch,” he says.
When the next deviant-but-talk-worthy movie came out, I’d catch it in the theater. Keep things tidy.
So I saw Raze on the big screen.
Like about ten million other Gen-X guys in the mid 1970s, I was exposed to the Farrah Fawcett poster in a typical way: courtesy of an older brother. A friend’s older brother, in my case. He was fifteen, reckless and mean, getting into the kind trouble that would cause him to have a short life. An aroma of denim and pot followed him. He lived in my friend’s basement where he played his Led Zeppelin records. At six, I was curious about what went on down there. Whatever it was, I was pretty sure it would kill me.
The poster appeared in the basement stairway one day, on the slanted ceiling above the basement steps. Near the bottom. I was heading down behind my friend, perhaps shuttling a Coke to the older brother, or some message from his mother that likewise required two to deliver, and there it was.
Most memories of that basement are down to faint odors of musty carpeting and the pastel covers of board games that were missing pieces the baby sister would occasionally cough up. I remember that poster, though. I remember looking directly at her eyes when I was halfway down the stairs. I saw those teeth. Those teeth and that hair. The next step down was one small step for a six-year-old, but one giant leap for a boy beginning a life that would hopefully be complicated by females.
The disturbing public excoriation on Twitter that upended the life of 30-year-old PR exec Justine Sacco on Friday, December 20, 2013—after she sent an ill-conceived tweet that read, “Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!”—was one of the greatest spectacles of mob violence in social media to date.
I couldn’t resist joining in.
When I got wind of the brouhaha going on via a blog post on BoingBoing.com at about 7 pm that night, I booked over to the #HasJustineLandedYet Twitter feed and had myself a good time watching the blood orgy on my phone.
There was a juicy charge to the situation: the victim had no clue she was being attacked by Twitter users worldwide. She sent the tweet a little after 10 am EST while in London, then boarded an 11-hour flight to Cape Town, South Africa. She reportedly flew first class on British Airways, enjoying amenities1 that sum to a veritable inflight anus licking but evidently don’t include that newfangled trifle called WiFi.