Your Horo-Scope Fortune
January 20 – February 19
You’ll encounter another unusual request. Such as being asked to jot fortune-telling lines akin to those on cards dispensed by a scale in Piggly Wiggly.
February 19 – March 20
Try bathing but once every three days to perhaps stop stenching of perfumed agents that offend the nose and eye.
March 21 – April 19
Endeavor to reduce. If you must remain corpulent, dress as a dignified stout person would.
April 20 – May 20
Stop walking about in your night clothes.
May 21 – June 20
Be certain that you are not wagering much of your pecuniary existence on a small portion of your trade that can absconded by a few university cock o’ the walks. Or one fellow named Craig.
June 21 – July 22
Your confidence in your water is frightful. Have processed ale on the offer at every meal for those who do not share it.
July 23 – August 22
You overuse the zipper. The contrivance must not replace buttons or latches or laces on every single thing that can transmute a seam. Carry no more than one about you at any given time.
August 23 – September 22
Request “leave” or “holiday” or “days of absence” from your employer. Asking for “personal time” sounds as if you are bedeviled by some distasteful matter of hygiene.
September 23 – October 22
Carry a pocketknife. Engaging in a battle of might with every third carton you touch insults our species.
October 23 – November 21
If you are a man, do not embrace another non-blood man as a greeting unless that person has just saved the life of someone dear to you.
November 22 – December 21
Do something about “convenience stores” without toothpicks.
December 22 – January 19
Do not become angry at a curious soul who disassembles your ringing device.
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1905 Reporter was brought back to life by an unnamed newspaper to save print journalism from extinction. Email him at email@example.com. ©1905Reporter
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